The loneliness who never smiles
by LadyDiamond92
Summary: "It has been nearly two years since our meeting, but despite this I can still feel all the emotions I felt with you, they are strong, exactly as I thought of it, but I was wrong. You gave me emotions so strong that prevented me to think clearly: I had a mission, but I failed and I honestly still do not understand why, or maybe, I pretend not to know it, because I'm afraid to admit


It has been nearly two years since our meeting, but despite this I can still feel all the emotions I felt with you, they are strong, exactly as I thought of it, but I was wrong.

You gave me emotions so strong that prevented me to think clearly: I had a mission, but I failed and I honestly still do not understand why, or maybe, I pretend not to know it, because I'm afraid to admit the truth.

You made me feel alive, strong and no one, you made me understand many things that I thought I could not have and I wanted to forget, but now I feel empty, alone, and my only company is my mask.

The mask that much it hurts me and that makes me feel different and that forced me to forget about me and the girl I was, but now it makes me fragile ... what it costs me to admit it!

Yeah, I feel alone again ... that loneliness that you had made me forget but who now weighs on me and on my spirit, that solitude that makes me die inside every day ...

I know that for me there is no hope of happiness without you, you stole my heart, I know that you were my everything and always will be, just as I know for us, Max and Mariam, there will never be no future, and the cause of everything I am.

Why? Well, it's obvious: this is my life and I can't abandon it, after all, how could I do?

* * *

Loneliness ... I know exactly what means to feel alone even among millions of people, and this is the result of my choices and my mask.

When you're alone you feel empty, useless, feel your heart shatter and you can't cry, because you know you can't do that, you begin to feel unitile, sad, fragile enough to lose yourself.

Yet you cries, or rather, it's your heart that weeps and that reminds you what you are, but looking in the mirror do not recognize you because you see only your own ice shadow.

I feel that between you and the reality there is an impassable chasm that I can't exceed ... you're alone, and no one can help you get out of this condition, I am alone, exactly as I have been in the past and how I will be in the future ... maybe .

I'm not free to choose I do not have the strength and the will to do it, you see all black and I feel my mask become increasingly strong enough to hear my real massacre I, and so becomes the ghost of your soul ... you die inside and you know you not be able to live like before, I know I have to change, but you also know that you can never change if I pick up my life, and I have to do it for myself and for us who I long.

Near me I see so many people smile and I answer them faking a smile and telling them to feel good, but I do not feel well ...

I've never cared about anyone but myself and of my goals, but now that you're away from me, I would hug you and tell you what I feel for you, but I can't and I will not because I'm afraid to suffer and to betray me same, but ...

I love you, I always loved you, Max, but I'm afraid to tell you, I'm afraid to be truly alone with our little memories that sparkle my lonely heart wrapped risen from ice, in spite of my mask does not allow me to be happy as I might be?

I'm not free to be, after all I know I'm weak, why?

* * *

I remember perfectly the emotions I felt that day at the old abandoned building, you told me that I was strong, but that time I did not understand what you wanted to tell me, but now I know: you saw me as a little girl who had not been never discouraged by anything, but not so, I am fragile, always I have been and only now can not understand why until now I hid behind my mask that prevented me from suffering and that simultaneously destroyed me because I walked away from all the people I loved.

Yet all those sweet phrases you said to me, our little touches and those little smiles are the most precious memories I have and are those little certainties that give me hope to change, why am I not so weak, Max?

* * *

And now I come to you, my only love my mask will never turn away from me.

I must destroy my falsehood, I must destroy my fake certain

Now I know that I want to smile sincerely and show myself for who I am and not for what I look like.

Now I can say to be strong, because I have feelings, it is the best thing that could ever happen to me and it is the only way to become really strong.

I feel alive because you are here, with me, in my heart.

I hear your voice that echoes in my head, I feel your presence in my heart ... wait me, Max.

* * *

 ** _Space author:_**

 **Hi guys! I'm here with a new story written three or four years ago, and today I decided to publish this little story here, actually is based on an Italian song but translating the lyrics would have lost some 'sense of what it really is .**

 **This fanfiction is a dedication to love, an invitation to fight for what or who you love, an invitation to get involved. I say it openly: this is a pair that does not interest me anymore and it's sad to say this, it's just that growing up I had other interests and, to be completely honest, I can not write about these two cute puppies. Now I shut up and go away and ... have an happy birthday Indigo! This story, though old, is dedicated to you! happy Birthday!**

 **Whit love,**

 **Carmen**


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